The Seed

Seventeen years ago today was the day my mom killed herself.
In honor of her, I’m finding the courage to launch this blog. I’ve decided to start to tell my story here as I write a book. 

…

How many mornings did I fear what the day would bring?

Too many days filled with shock, sadness, and grief filled the pages of my calendar leaving me in a constant state of fight or flight. So many years of unplanned life events, upending the dream life I worked so hard to create. There are now years between those traumatic events giving me space to heal and reflect on all of the beauty that found its way onto those pages too. 

Ten years ago I met a brilliant writer while at dinner with dear friends. She was an Academy Award-winning writer of what is now an iconic movie. Over dinner we shared stories. She kindly listened to mine, which at the time was about losing my mom to suicide and moving to a new state while leaving behind my mentally failing father. At this point, I had only felt a small portion of the loss and grief that I would experience later in life. After dinner, she encouraged me to tell my story. I’ll never forget her. This famous successful woman even emailed me later with writing resources and her contact details offering to help me.

I never reached out. That’s what loneliness, shame, and self-doubt will do.

As I finally begin to tell my story, my heart overflows with appreciation, and my eyes are filled with tears of gratitude towards this woman who went out of her way to plant this seed. The seed to share my story that quietly grew through the years into a forest of ideas.

A book?

Maybe if I share my experiences I could help others who feel as lonely, shameful, and lost as I have through the years.

I am writing for myself. Something in me knows this is the final piece of my healing puzzle. Writing reminds me not only of all that I’ve survived but how I’ve managed to keep love in my heart and a hopeful soul despite the odds. Remembering the fragility of life holds me in a place of gratitude for all that I have rather than all that I’ve lost. 

I am sharing it with you. All of you out there experiencing loss and fear from a life moment that’s sent you reeling. For those of you feeling alone and isolated. I know those feelings all too well. I’m scared to share my stories with you, but hopefully, by sharing, I can ease those feelings of loneliness and isolation for some. 

If you’ve experienced something that’s caused you to feel loss, pain, or shame, I’m here to share how I survived to find love, joy, and peace in a new life I’ve worked hard to build. I hope my story inspires you and gives you hope.

“Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” ~ Confucius